Hello my guys, haven’t been there for a while! 2018 kicked all of us in the butts I know, but as I did last year I want to share how my year went. I know it might be tltr (too long to read) but I hope some of you will try to sit through all of this. After this post you might understand why I haven’t been active here. I tried to compress everything and make it readable but you know, whole year is a lot and you might probably wrote a whole book about it. But let’s dive right in.
I started 2018 by ending my almost 4 years relationship. Back in the January we took temporary break and „started fresh” again on Valentines day. Can’t say – huge mistake. Until May, when we split only month before our anniversary, I’ve been fighting for something only I wanted. I was delusional and I did not wanted to see that I was pretending to be someone else just for sake of his approval. I was feeling down and depressed the whole time and didn’t know why – well that was the reason. I wasn’t myself. I completely changed my appearance and behavior. The breakup was heartbreaking to me and I thought I couldn’t make it through this. I started having panic attacks more often, I become fully depressed. It was really easy to irritate me and I was shouting on everyone, stopped caring about work and did not leave my house if I didn’t had to. Its been like this for almost five months so you can say that most of my 2018 was harsh… I started slowly accepting things and saw what was wrong and later, in October I understood that it was the best thing that could happened to me. By this time I met another guy, my colleague from work and after a month of seeing each other every day during work hours we started meeting outside workplace. Things escalated quickly and only after four meeting lasting around 12 hours each we were in a relationship. We had this amazing connection and agreed on nearly every topic, especially those about relationships and future life which was the huge difference between me and my ex. During those meetings I completely lost track of time – I’ve been leaving work at 9 pm and being back at work at 5 pm after whole night of just talking to him. Our hours long conversations continued even after becoming a couple. I can’t say much cuz it kind of fresh thing … (3 months) but I have a feeling it might me a better thing for me, keeping in mind the fact he said he’s looking for long therm relationship.
In 2018 I’ve changed workplace three times. It seems a lot but keep in mind that im still a student and this means I can only have part time or seasonal work. In January after nearly fatal incident containing lots of blood and deep cuts (not on me, I was a witness) I decided to leave a club where I was a waitress. I also discovered their connection to drugs and abuse which made me so heartbroken that I had a few weeks breakdown and stopped going to work and school (my breakdown was also caused by this relationship break) which costed me nearly failing a year. In April I came back to my old job knowing we will be open until September. Cant say, I love this place. Keeping up with clients when you’re not that friendly person was kind of disadvantage but apart from that everything was perfect. I could work everyday for many hours so I was making lots of money and couldn’t think much about my breakup. Unfortunately it was also a rollercoaster. My bpd was kicking in sometimes and on those days I wanted to quit so bad but the next day I was a model employee. My boss gave me a heartwarming farewell in September. By this time I had another job waiting for me so I started a few days later. I wanted something in my city cuz driving 100 km every day was kind of exhausting. I found one in a bakery and oh my god I loved it. For the first 1,5 month. After this troubles started to pile up. Unfortunately I can’t tell you what happened, I signed a form that obligated both sides to stay out of it and don’t cause problems for each other. Only good thing about it is that I met my boyfriend there and time spent on working with him was highlight of this year. I left the bakery at the end of November and haven’t found anything new since. And I don’t feel like doing so, I want to focus on my mental health and studying for the finals.
2018 was a turning point in my life. For many years I knew there’s something not okay with me and that I should visit specialist but for I was to afraid to do so. Breakup and becoming depressed finally made me decide to come out to my parents and I opened about some of my mental problems. After many conversations, tears and screams they kind of accepted it. At the end of August I went to the psychiatrist and got opinion. I had signs of borderline. He advised me to start therapy and gave prescription. In September I started treatment and I’m attending it ever since. It’s important to say how much it has changed in my life. I have never been this calm and my panic attacks occur less often. I finally started talking about my feelings and understood them. If you follow me on Insta you know I opened about my health a bit.
But let’s talk about physical health. I don’t remember when it started but often I was feeling weak and almost fainting. Turns out – anemia. Especially after this bakery when I was eating only once a day. I also lost 1/3 of my hair, some of them fell out but some I had to cut. They were covered in flour and with their natural tendency to tangle and being weak because of anemia well… After I quit job and my parents, my therapist and my school all came together they forbade me to look for a new one. Since then I started feeling better and my grades are higher. Also – my fainting stopped.
In April I adopted two amazing kitties! They both have tough past and I was prepared for lots of work but they started to love me back pretty quick! Now I can’t imagine my life without them! I feel amazing having new family members and still can’t express how happy I am and stop looking at them!
I finally did a bedroom makeover! Because of that I feel much better in my own house. Being surrounded by things that I find pretty makes huge difference for me. And I have a vanity now! I’ve been dreaming about it my whole life. Its not exactly what I want but I’m not gonna change it now as I’m moving out around holidays.
Im more happy with my appearance than ever, in 2018 I got a few amazing tattoos and while doing them traveled around Poland! Myself of course which made me love this type of journeys! They not only gave me amazing pieces on my skin but also a chance to calm myself and thing!
All of those changes made me more aware and I became a advocate for variety of things like LGBT community, mental health and also – I finally started sharing my thoughts on feminism. I also started to get into politics and caring about our environment. I quit dairy products, limited single use plastics, completely stopped using plastic bags and started to segregate trash!
Even to I have been through a lot past year I’m proud of who I became. From shy never speaking girl now I talk loud when its needed. Being open about my opinions and reacting when I see people doing something wrong is important to me. Again, I know that’s much and might be too long to read but if you did so I’m supper thankful! I hope your 2018 was amazing and if you want you may share your thoughts in the comments!
pictures taken by: Qdi shoot
/ I’M WEARING /
suit – Stradivarius
bra – H&M